I really don’t have much time to post at the moment and really shouldn’t be posting considering how far behind I am on my revision, but I’ll do it anyway since I’m already too deep in my own shit to care anymore…
How things got better:
This year, I had some counselling which really did help change my perspective. Although it did barely anything for my anxiety, it taught me lot about self-acceptance. I learned to stop beating myself up, because honestly, what is the point? There’s something about society when growing up that taught me telling yourself good things about yourself is bad, as it lacks modesty. You can barely tell yourself you’re pretty, or you like your own personality as that’s vanity, of course. But if you beat yourself up about your personal qualities then people don’t seem to mind so much… When I was younger, if you had a good grade in class you couldn’t flaunt it, even though you worked your ass off, because no one likes a show-off… It was better to be upset about how you could have done better, even though you had 100%. I’m glad that the world is changing and we’re finally learning to start telling ourselves good things.
So this year, instead of following what other kids taught me in school, I told myself things like ‘my body isn’t perfect but whose is? As long as I am fit and healthy, then who cares?’ It’s really not worth feeling guilty whenever I eat. I don’t want to die knowing that I felt guilty at every meal. Not that I can control this guilt, but at least I can reassure myself that it’s okay. I also stopped feeling guilty about having an anxiety disorder because let’s be honest, I didn’t choose to have this problem. There’s no point feeling bad about something beyond my control.
I also found meditation incredibly useful this year as it helped me to get out of my own head, even if it’s just for 10 minutes, as I really have trouble with becoming trapped inside my own head, with the door locked. It also helps me in moments of panic. I have a watch which measures my heart beat and when I take slow, deep breaths to calm myself down during an anxiety attack, my heart rate decreases drastically. Through meditation, I have grasped better control over my anxiety.
How I struggled:
This year I left yet another job. I didn’t get fired. I just told my boss I wanted to leave and had to wait another 2 weeks of hell before I actually could, due to my notice period. I didn’t hate the job, or the people, or anything like that. I just found myself too sensitive to handle such a high-stress job. I gave up hope with finding a part-time job at the end of this year. I’m just too damn sensitive. The amount of times I’ve almost burst out crying for reasons most people would just brush off. It’s not even the anxiety that is the problem, it is how painful any real or imagined rejection is to me. As my boyfriend once told me, I can go from 0 to 100 in a split second, or 100 to 0, anything can set me off in either some kind of blind rage or into a pit of depression. The worst thing is that I have no control over these reactions, even when I know how irrational I am being, there’s nothing I can do once the demon has got a hold on my strings.
Despite everything, a part of me is grateful for the struggles I face as they give my life greater purpose, they rid slightly of that empty feeling of meaninglessness, and make me think more deeply about who I really am, something I still have yet to figure out.
My only resolution for 2018 is to not give up, because giving up has only ever made things worse. I gave up a lot in 2017 because I was sick and tired of how much of a struggle the simplest of things were and still are for me. Something as simple as doing my shopping requires a great deal of mental strength because my body is always in fight-or-flight mode whenever I communicate with a person, and every conversation is an emotional roller-coaster for me as I am overly-obsessed with making sure everyone likes me even though I know it’s impossible. I would make it my resolution to care less what people think…but if that was possible, I’d be cured by now.