I often feel like I don’t exist, like I am a ghost or an observer of the outside world. When I see images of myself, I can barely imagine that it is me within that body. I feel like I am floating. A few weeks ago, I was told to present infront of a group of people as part of an assessment. It was to be presented within a group. During the two hours we had to prepare for this, we had plenty of time to get to know each other. The other two got along but I felt like a robot. I didn’t know how to act, I don’t really know who I am. They both seemed to have a strong sense of who they were as they had a strong sense of style and talked about common interests. But the only thing I knew how to talk about was my ideas on the presentation. I felt like a robot that was trying really hard to act human. Perhaps they could sense how fake I was because eventually, they seemed to exclude me from their conversations.
We finally came around to presenting our ideas to everyone else. I thought I would be nervous but I felt nothing. I felt like a ghost when I walked up there. I felt completely invisible to everyone else and thought no one would notice me because of this. The girls were both confident when they spoke, so I hoped that drew attention to them instead of me. Near the end of the presentation, it was finally my turn to speak. I began talking and suddenly, I faced the audience and realised everyone was staring straight at me. I began thinking to myself: ‘they can see me. I am real.’ This was when I began to panic, realising that I was actually there, infront of all these people. I didn’t want to be the centre of attention. It felt like my head was being forced to stare down at my feet and nothing I said seemed to make sense.
I don’t know who I am so I didn’t know what kind of personality to take on when I presented. Should I be funny, should I just be professional? I tried to act like the other girls but I could not mimic the confidence that radiated from them. I was also afraid other people would notice I was copying their personalities. I think they noticed I was beginning to panic so they quickly took over, which I am very grateful for. After it was over, I pretended that I was going to miss my train if I didn’t leave immediately. The wave of emotions were suddenly too much. How could I go from feeling nothing to feeling everything? I called my boyfriend and tried to hold back tears. This was not only because I knew I had messed up the presentation. I was sick of feeling like a void of a person, and sick of feeling different.