I haven’t really talked about my BPD on my blog page very much. Usually, if I do mention it then I am quite brief about it. For example, I sometimes talk about feelings of emptiness, dissociation and feeling like I don’t know who I am. I think it is because I have some kind of impostor syndrome when it comes to this disorder. I present all the symptoms and I have been told specifically by a psychiatrist that I have borderline personality disorder but I am always in denial, especially when I am on emotional highs or haven’t been triggered for a while. I am also scared to tell people. There is massive stigma associated with BPD. They are stereo-typically seen as abusive, nasty and manipulative people which is definitely not always the case. I can see where this comes from though because back when I wasn’t so aware of my behaviours, I was not a nice person to be in a relationship with. I was often called out for being emotionally abusive and manipulative. Some people have said that I seem like a completely different person now because I have come so far with learning how to calm myself down when I experience a mood swing.
At the moment, very little has caused me to experience ‘splitting’. If you are unsure what this is then it is basically a recent term I have learned to understand why I go from 0 to 100 at the flick of a switch. People with BPD tend to see things in black and white. Everything is either ‘all good’ or ‘all bad’. There is often something that triggers this switch. For example, one of the triggers for me is when my boyfriend hangs out with his friends. I suddenly see him as ‘all evil’ and ‘all bad’. However, because I am aware of the disorder now, I am not so much of a dickhead about it. I used to be absolutely horrible to him when I started splitting because I wasn’t aware that it was happening to me. But now I know that it is best to walk away from the situation to calm down so that I don’t hurt him and then feel guilty about it later. I have also been practising ‘DBT’ skills a lot which have been extremely helpful in helping me control my behaviours and calm myself down.
I have slowly begun to accept the disorder too. I used to hide it SO WELL. My friends did not have a clue that I went through such severe mood swings. But it got to a point where I was so sick of hiding it. My best friends have now seen me have so many of my meltdowns and I am now much more open to them about it. I thought they would disown me as a friend as I often felt like I was evil for the way I behaved. I seem to have a handle on my behaviours now (when I am sober). It is another story when I am drunk. For example, I went on holiday with my boyfriend and his group of friends a few months ago. We drank every single day for that entire holiday so it was absolutely impossible to hide my outbursts. They are a very accepting group of people so I think they still like me despite me having an emotional meltdown and splitting every single evening.