When I got my first ever job, I was living with my parents. So, it was a job my parents told me to do. I never needed to ask myself what I wanted to do because it was just a part-time job alongside school, so it didn’t matter. When I went to uni, I took the subjects that I was told to do and barely questioned if I really wanted to do them. I questioned them in some ways but tried to convince myself that it was what I wanted to do and convinced others it was what I wanted to do through some kind of recited line that my mother told me.
I was always told what interests I had to take on otherwise I was made fun of and bullied for it by my mother. When I was younger, I used to dance but gave it up when my mother told me she felt stupid being at my dance competition as she wasn’t a ‘dance kind of mum’. Then, she pointed at my stomach and said I needed to do some sit-ups because I looked fat. As a kid, you always want approval from your parents. I learned that I was only ever loved when I did want my mother wanted. I gave up most of my hobbies and only ever did what my mum wanted me to do like running races and going to the gym.
After finishing uni, I got a cleaning job, which I still work in now. I managed to get a flat with my boyfriend and finally be able to make decisions on my own. I have really distanced myself from my family but now I feel lost. I have no idea how to make decisions. I have no idea how to decide what my interests are.
Over the past few months, I have been so confused as to what to do with my life. Before moving into our flat, I decided I was going to do a marketing job in the Capital city. I traveled an hour away to get to interviews. Then I gave up on that idea after failing many interviews and decided to find jobs nearer to where I live.
I decided to become a graphic designer and then a personal assistant. At one point, I changed my mind completely and decided I was going to be a support worker or mental health worker. After a while, I gave up and stopped applying for jobs completely. Then 9 months later, I decide I am going to be a programmer like my boyfriend and I pay £70 for a course on programming and give it up immediately after. Then I went back to applying for jobs in media and marketing again and now, I have just made a logo and bought 100 flyers and a polo shirt with my logo on to make my own cleaning company.
At this point, I feel like I may be annoying my boss because every few months I tell her I am going on another new venture to find a better job. And my clients that I see every week must be extremely confused as every month, I have a different plan in mind for my career.
I don’t know what I am going to do now but I am exhausted by my unstable interests, mood and identity. I am also terrified that this is going to have bad consequences like putting me in debt as I keep putting money into things and making decisions without thinking about the consequences.